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So now, I'm not-so-happy with my life. People around me are affecting my life. I just can't make my own desicion cause whenever I'm about to make a desicion and someone says something, I'll change me mind. I just can't let people down. I don't know how to say 'NO'. I keep on making people around me happy when me, myself are not.
There was once when I made my final desicion and I'm really sure about it and I told it to 'x' . She said something that changed my mind. I just can't make any desicion ! People around me are the one who runs my life. Not me.
When I've decided someting that is right for me and someone came and told me that I was about to make a wrong desicion and I followed what that 'someone' said and think that it is right when actually it is not. Get it ? Hm.
Honestly, I'm not happy with Mamat. No ! Its not that he treats me badly or what. He's nice. Understanding. He NEVER scolds me. He understands my situation. He's.......... He's not the one. He's just not the one. I've tried and I can't. I just can't. He loves me. I know he do. But I don't. I don't love him... I know if I ever let him go, I WON'T find someone like him. I know that. But what do you expect ? He's happy when I'm around. But I'm not. Do you expect me to sacrifice everything ? Lie my own feelings. Says 'I love you' when actually I'm not ? I don't want to make him sad. Is it okay if I let him go ? It is now or later. I'm afraid he'll love me more than now in future and it will be harder and I'm gonna feel pity for him.
I've sacrificed lots of things. I make others happy and let me, myself, hurt.....
No one understands me. NO ONE. I'm just...... just..... not happy with my life now.
Mamat. He's happy with his life. I know he is. The way he acts I know he is. But I'm not. He trusts me. He loves me. But.... Hm. I need a shoulder. Really really really need one :'(